While I know we are all, ultimately, on a journey to our real home, I'm very happy to report that it doesn't appear God wanted my exit plan to include Hodgkins Lymphona, at least not anytime soon!
Last Friday I had my first PET scan, and I anticipated getting the results this week during my doctor's appointment. Usually, it's my secret goal at doctor visits to get my wonderfully-caring but oh-so-serious doctor to crack a smile. This week, I didn't even have to try. Dr. Visconti met me at the door with a giant grin and the good news: my first scan is clean! The fist-size mass taking over my chest cavity and invading the personal space of my heart is completely gone. My heart is grateful for the breathing room and I'm so glad for this good news.
What's extra-encouraging is research that shows people whose cancer is gone for the first scan have an even higher "cure" rate, which means it's less likely the cancer will reappear later.
Many of you celebrated with me this week. Thanks for joining our little Facebook party! While I'm full of gratitude, the news triggered a complicated grab-bag of emotions. I'll try my best to share with you through what I'm sure will be inadequate words.
It might help to know some context. Rewinding to Wednesday night, I started to feel afraid about the scan results. Most of the days since my diagnosis have been marked by surprising peace and a confidence that I was healed. But it's risky to hope for that, I felt vulnerable. What if I was wrong? I became terrified that the scan would show an unchanged mass of cancer. As fear hijacked my imagination, I was consumed with a picture of my body, "lit up" on the scan with cancer spreading everywhere. Yep, I'd successfully managed to terrify myself.
So on the Wednesday before another Thursday, Jonathan and I began to pray. Well, honestly it was more like me huddled in the fetal position, Jonathan standing over me, alternating between prayer and worship. I'd open an eye long enough to look up and see him with his hands in the air, praising our God. Jonathan's jubilant nature is hard to ignore and I eventually softened to God's influence too.
Fear became less powerful as the Holy Spirit turned my desire for peace into a reality. He made it possible for me to believe that nothing (of true importance) would change, regardless of my scan results.
When I did get the news about the clean scan I felt so happy, but nothing changed in the deepest core of my being. Rather than feeling a great sense of relief or being absolved of anxiety, I felt a happiness that comes from opening the perfect gift from someone you know real, really loves you. I suppose this is a good thing. Maybe I'm slowly starting to believe in my heart what comes out of my mouth: death isn't the enemy, self-preservation isn't my goal. Soli Deo Gloria.
Even as I write this, I'm afraid I sound too flippant about the greatness of my news. For others, whose story never included a clean scan, I fear they would say I'm taking for granted my good report. I sure don't want to. I hope I can fully experience and celebrate God's gifts without making those gifts my God. I hope I'm learning to embrace my sufferings without abandoning His promises.
Floodgates of joy opened for me Friday night, as the news continued to sink in and I listened to the words of this song:
"And the arms that hold the universe, are holding you tonight. You can rest inside. It's gonna be alright. And the voice that calmed the raging sea is calling you his child. So be still and know He's in control. He will never let you go." -Arms that hold the universe, Fee
"I'm going to be ok. It's going to be ok..." and that's not just because I have a clean scan :)
In addition to feeling joy, I think I'm also struggling to know how to get through the remaining seven chemo sessions. I need a new visualization, now that the mass is gone. I need something to be fighting for as I sit through those chemical drips the next four months. Any suggestions???
In the meantime, I fully intend to celebrate this gift with a "YAY!" balloon from Maura and a lunch date at Josephine's....and by wearing my cowgirl boots a lot.
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| Steph, Ramona, Liz and Hannah treating me to a celebratory lunch! |
When my daughter was four months old and diagnosed with cancer they put her on a two year protocol. During those two years we realized the tumor was not coming back. The drs. still said we had to proceed with the chemo. Hmm, okay God I don't want to take her any more! That was my reaction. So, it was just like our God to remind me all the nurses lives we touched, the families we witnessed to with the peace that surrounded us, and all the others that crossed our paths in the journey. So, we continued and I looked for every opportunity to be used by Him big or small for the next year. I can tell you many stories of how He allowed us to do His work and will. Your mother-in-law wrote about some of them in her book "Empowering Choices." I rejoice with you in your news. My daughter celebrated her 23rd birthday in March. I pray fervently for you and Jonathan and will continue to do so. Put on His armor and keep on with His work. Your doing a magnificent job!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart did a little "yay" when I read about your daughter turning 23-thank you for the encouragement and prayers. This may be the first time in my life when I don't feel like I'm trying to do anything, but I think God is doing more in me than ever before.
DeleteThis is such wonderful news! I can tell you that it has been 9 years since Kim's cancer and I really don't think about it except on the day he goes for his now yearly check-up. On that day, I still have a bit of anxiety...he doesn't, he is at peace with it all. As for what to think about to get through the chemo-I don't know what to suggest. Maybe plan some sort of "reward" at the end (as if being healthy isn't enough reward). Maybe plan a weekend away or a special picnic or even a little party?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you got good news and we will continue to pray for you as you go through the rest of this journey.
Hugs to you and your family! Suzy
I'm thinking a great big chemo-is-over party is in order :) I hope that day each year for you also includes some type of celebration. I know what it's like for me to go through cancer-but I often think about how this journey is much harder for Jonathan then me. Hope you have a great week!
DeleteAshley & Jonathan,
ReplyDeleteThis is such beautiful news. But, wow, the deeper, more eternal good news is what the Lord worked in both of your hearts through this 'gauntlet' process. Thank you for describing this process--it is a powerful testimony of the Living Christ. It reminds me of a friend who sat with an underground church right before a suspected raid. He was terrified and prayed in a bathroom, thinking he might die. But he said at that moment, the Lord did a grand-exchange, and my friend's fear was gone. He knew it was only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, and he walked out with a deep sense of peace he's never before experienced or 'needed'. The raid never came, but he realized that through this facing-death experience with Christ, fear lost it's power and Christ triumphed. Living or dying fell from it's central place in his heart, and Jesus really was his all in all, no matter what. I'm not sure I communicated that clearly, but it reminded me of the deeper peace that you wrote about, irregardless of the scan results. That is powerful. How precious you and Jonathan are to Him. And what a living example, real life, today, of the work Christ can and longs to work in each of our lives. I loved the description of Jonathan above you with his hands raised in prayer and adoration to the Lord. YES! That is so beautiful and powerful and effective. That is Jonathan's war-stance, war of praise, just like when Moses raised his hands as Joshua fought the battle, and God declared his name to be Nissi, Victory. It reminds me of Christ standing over us, his Bride. Thank you, Jonathan, for walking with and demonstrating your King. I read in a Hebrew dictionary that your name means, Gift of Yhwh [God]. You are a gift, to Ashley and to each of us. I love you guys and am SO proud to know you. I've shared your blog with a few people; it is such a powerful, real, raw, true account of the Living gospel. You are shining stars, Ashley and Jonathan--Daniel 12:3 and Philippians 2:15. Love and hugs and rejoicing for clear scans in the heart--both physically and spiritually. His beautiful work, partnered with us forever.