High Five Friday!

There's this thing happening, which I love, from some of the blogs I read, called "High Five for Friday!" What a great way to celebrate everything that's good from the week, 
so I linked up with Laura, From My Grey Desk

Here's my Top Five: 

1. 66 Love Letters by Larry Crabb

This book is changing the way I read the Bible....who knew Leviticus could be moving! 

2. AACC webinar by Dr. Moon and Dr. Tan about spiritual direction and the role of the Holy Spirit in counseling. I love what I get to do. 

3. Sick days. 

I felt icky and more tired that usual, due to a cold-allergies-chemo-who knows? The good news is that I enjoyed serious rest, caught up on reading, and found some new blogs to follow. 

4. SIUE Dental School Intramural Team are league champions! 

...and the championship game was at 11:00 last night-crazy college kids :) 

5. Catching up with friends through extended phone dates this week. Good for the soul. 

Happy Friday!  

Soli Deo Gloria

I'm happy to be writing this post. :)

While I know we are all, ultimately, on a journey to our real home, I'm very happy to report that it doesn't appear God wanted my exit plan to include Hodgkins Lymphona, at least not anytime soon!

Last Friday I had my first PET scan, and I anticipated getting the results this week during my doctor's appointment.  Usually, it's my secret goal at doctor visits to get my wonderfully-caring but oh-so-serious doctor to crack a smile. This week, I didn't even have to try. Dr. Visconti met me at the door with a giant grin and the good news: my first scan is clean! The fist-size mass taking over my chest cavity and invading the personal space of my heart is completely gone. My heart is grateful for the breathing room and I'm so glad for this good news.

What's extra-encouraging is research that shows people whose cancer is gone for the first scan have an even higher "cure" rate, which means it's less likely the cancer will reappear later.

Many of you celebrated with me this week. Thanks for joining our little Facebook party! While I'm full of gratitude, the news triggered a complicated grab-bag of emotions. I'll try my best to share with you through what I'm sure will be inadequate words.

It might help to know some context. Rewinding to Wednesday night, I started to feel afraid about the scan results. Most of the days since my diagnosis have been marked by surprising peace and a confidence that I was healed. But it's risky to hope for that, I felt vulnerable. What if I was wrong? I became terrified that the scan would show an unchanged mass of cancer. As fear hijacked my imagination, I was consumed with a picture of my body, "lit up" on the scan with cancer spreading everywhere. Yep, I'd successfully managed to terrify myself.

So on the Wednesday before another Thursday, Jonathan and I began to pray. Well, honestly it was more like me huddled in the fetal position, Jonathan standing over me, alternating between prayer and worship. I'd open an eye long enough to look up and see him with his hands in the air, praising our God. Jonathan's jubilant nature is hard to ignore and I eventually softened to God's influence too.

Fear became less powerful as the Holy Spirit turned my desire for peace into a reality. He made it possible for me to believe that nothing (of true importance) would change, regardless of my scan results.

When I did get the news about the clean scan I felt so happy, but nothing changed in the deepest core of my being. Rather than feeling a great sense of relief or being absolved of anxiety, I felt a happiness that comes from opening the perfect gift from someone you know real, really loves you.  I suppose this is a good thing. Maybe I'm slowly starting to believe in my heart what comes out of my mouth: death isn't the enemy, self-preservation isn't my goal. Soli Deo Gloria.

Even as I write this, I'm afraid I sound too flippant about the greatness of my news. For others, whose story never included a clean scan, I fear they would say I'm taking for granted my good report. I sure don't want to. I hope I can fully experience and celebrate God's gifts without making those gifts my God. I hope I'm learning to embrace my sufferings without abandoning His promises.

Floodgates of joy opened for me Friday night, as the news continued to sink in and I listened to the words of this song:

"And the arms that hold the universe, are holding you tonight. You can rest inside. It's gonna be alright. And the voice that calmed the raging sea is calling you his child. So be still and know He's in control. He will never let you go."  -Arms that hold the universe, Fee

"I'm going to be ok. It's going to be ok..." and that's not just because I have a clean scan :)

In addition to feeling joy, I think I'm also struggling to know how to get through the remaining seven chemo sessions. I need a new visualization, now that the mass is gone. I need something to be fighting for as I sit through those chemical drips the next four months. Any suggestions???

In the meantime, I fully intend to celebrate this gift with a "YAY!" balloon from Maura and a lunch date at Josephine's....and by wearing my cowgirl boots a lot.

Steph, Ramona, Liz and Hannah treating me to a celebratory lunch! 

Wednesday before another Thursday

"Well, it's a Wednesday before another Thursday..."

Jonathan's intro to our prayer before this week's chemo treatment. The words feel heavy with meaning for me, on the eve of another Thursday. I just completed my fourth treatment, which is the second round (of six), and makes me about 1/3 of the way done. I'm learning a lot about my body and how it responds to the drugs during each bi-weekly cycle. I can tell you that I feel it "hit" me about two hours into the three hour procedure. I know it's safe to eat Panera chicken-noodle soup on our way home, that I won't want to fall asleep that night, and that I'll spend the weekend distracting myself from the chemo-flu with friends, family, or some weird tv show about noodling.

I also know that I will feel 110% in exactly eleven days, which is three days before the Wednesday before another Thursday.

I love those three days. I feel like my old self: full of energy, strong, healthy. I celebrate by trying to wear extra-cute clothes and learning new styles for my hair. It's hard to say goodbye to all that on the Wednesday before another Thursday, hence the need for prayer night.

These times of prayer are the only way I know how to fight back against cancer. Being sick forces me to admit what I've always known, deep down inside: I'm not as strong, brave, or capable as I pretend to be. I'm certainly not in control of my world the way I'd like to be. But, prayer takes me into the presence of the One who is. The surprising thing is that I end up joining Him in the fight against cancer anyway, His way. He gives me the weapon of prayer, and has revealed an army of prayer warriors around me.

Like the men on Charleston Southern's division one football team, for example. Jonathan and I were enjoying our spring break trip to South Carolina, where Matthew is on the coaching staff for the Buccanners, when we met an army of unexpected warriors. The coaching staff asked if we could join them after a practice for prayer. We ended up surrounded by sixty football players, allowing them to "fight" on our behalf for this cancer to go away and for my heart to continue trusting in God. A very cool moment, (a very smelly prayer!) and a memory our family will always cherish.

Jonathan David Hesler talks about a "God of the Angel Armies" in this song:

Seems like all I can see, is the enemy surrounding me. Seems like all I can feel, is lies that you're not real. I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the one who made the earth and the Heaven....
I believe that you're more real, than what I can see. I believe these hills are full, of a mighty Angel Army. 
God of the Angel Armies, you're mighty to save. 
God of the Angel Armies, you are worthy of our praise. 
God of the Angel Armies, you fight for us. 
God of the Angel Armies, you come down, and praises go up. 

I wonder, what does God's army of angels look like, exactly? Are they at all interested in fighting this fight with me? I hope so! Until proven otherwise, I'm just going to imagine they look something like those 60 Buccanneers.

Currently, my army is engaged in a battle for more white blood cells. I need them and I'd like them in great quantity, fast! Against all odds, my hair maintains it's position on my head with, regrettably, a few more casualties than usual each time I shampoo and blow dry. The cost of war.

I'm also eager for my first PET scan since my diagnosis, which will take place this Friday. The hope and expectation is for a clean scan, "cancer free!" I will still continue treatments through August-my doctor couldn't be talked out of that one, even though I tried. Thanks again for all of your prayers, cards, meals, and encouragement. I hope I can continue to pass along the same to others.

#3 with dad

Celebrating "good days"

Kicking cancer hiney with Jon at #4