All I Ask of You

Good news! My port has a name.

It's Manilow, as in Barry. Shortly after Nurse Amazing (aka Diane) successfully accessed my port for the first time, an ad for the Barry Manilow special edition, best-of-the-best, solid-gold hits collection flashed across the screen of our community tv. Barry posed with his arms outstretched to either side, chin tilted to the sky, singing his heart out in a tight, white-leather, bling-bling jump suit.
"That's just the personality my port needs!"
 Charming. Engaging.
You're afraid of getting too close, but definitely glad he's around. I told Nurse Amazing and she humored me by referring to it by name the rest of our first chemo session.

In other good news, I've made it through two chemo treatments now, ten more to go. It wasn't what I expected, if one can have expectations for something so unexpected. The dreaded "c" words have lost some of the power their mystery previously afforded them. It seems that CANCER is  more like cancer. CHEMO is chemo, and I'm still....well, I'm still me. I spent the first Friday after chemo waiting for something to be different, expecting some outward, physical sign of the internal war begin waged within my body, but there were none. Some minimal side effects made the weekend a bit uncomfortable, but overall I was surprised that life kept going on, as did the dishes and laundry. Ahh, normalcy....well, except for one thing: Jonathan and I are being ridiculously and outrageously loved.

It's crazy, really, and I feel spoiled. We have been surrounded by supportive servers, which is a bit new for me. I've always been a pretty self-sufficient person. You can call it independence or maybe pride, I'm not quite sure, but this experience is new for me. I'm humbled and a bit convicted by the way people (even strangers!) have prayed, encouraged, and sacrificed time and money for us. Thank you. You have given us a new glimpse of the character of the Father.

Actually, being loved isn't the easiest thing for me.  I know that sounds crazy, but I'm typically more comfortable as giver rather than receiver. I suppose this allows me more control, less vulnerability, a self-protective strategy to meet my own needs and protect myself from pain, yada, yada, yada. Even though I prefer to appear like I have it all together, I so clearly do not. Being needy is kind of scary for me, yet I've heard Jesus challenging me to do one, and only one thing these past few months: Be Loved, beloved.

A good friend let me know that God had reminded her to pray for me through the night. I felt known and seen by her and God, but my conversation with God the next day went something like this:

"God, that was really sweet of you to get Barb involved, but you didn't need to wake her up just for me. I'm ok, really. I've got this. No need to keep her up all night on my account."

Instantly, I felt His presence settle and speak. "Let me love you. Let me love you through others."

Who am I to tell I AM who to love? Who am I to tell Him how to love? I wonder how many of His love notes I've missed, too busy striving for the love of others instead of resting in His love for me.

I want to share a song that, although not written by Jesus, sure sounds like Him to me.

 "All I Ask of You."

Will I let myself be unsettled by love? Will I say "yes" to the outpouring of support around me? Will I recognize it as the extravagant pursuit of my God? I hope I can! To those that have sacrificed, thank you for loving us, and thank you for letting God love us through you. I pray we each have eyes to see His pursuit in our lives. I pray we take time to be loved.